Small Mustard Seed

It's been a few weeks since I wrote last - apologies are due. Mark (my husband) had left for Germany for 11 days for work so I wasn't exactly in the mood to spend my small amount of free time writing. Don't get me wrong, I love writing, but lately I've felt a bit unsure. Not of what I believe, not of my desire to share it... I guess so many of the things I want to write about are big, take lots of explaining & could go on & on & on & on. So, it's a little overwhelming to try to sit here & write a fully comprehensible little post. I've always wanted to write books, but again, a little overwhelmed with the idea... I don't have a specific book in mind so that's a ways off in the future (well, I actually have a re-write in mind that I plan on starting soon, but that's a different topic).

I decided I would write just a teensy thought & conversation I had. That's easier... hopefully.

I was driving from Tigard to McMinnville a couple weeks ago & the driver to my right all of a sudden realized (with only about 30 ft left) that his lane was a right turn only lane. I let him over & began thinking about grace. I noticed he had an out of state license plate & an out of state sticker... I decided those qualified him to receive my grace. Then I began thinking (dangerous) & talking about this with my good friend Dar & my husband. I was able to give grace at that moment because I assumed the best of this mysterious driver. But, this didn't seem like a fabulous reason to always give grace... helpful maybe, but that can't be all there is to it. I mean, what if he was just a jerk who wanted to try and get ahead? Would I still have given him grace? And surely God knows how wretched we all are & how selfish all our thoughts really are but He still gives us grace...

That is when I realized 2 things: 1 - God is gracious in such a different way than we are & 2 - I have a long way to go in becoming a truly gracious person.

I don't want to go on too long because this could get complicated & crazy, but I do want to share just a couple thoughts & questions. Why is it so hard to give others grace? To be a gracious person? The casual definition of grace being - giving someone something good which they don't deserve. The driver didn't deserve for me to have a good attitude towards him... but then I think, what would have been so great about keeping my bad attitude towards him? He would have never known!! I would have been angry (sort of "justifiably") but had nothing to do about it or no actions to carry out that were good or beneficial. So why are we so miserably ungracious towards others?

Obviously, we have a great inability to be like God who is incredibly gracious & compassionate. The whole point of the bible expresses his Mercy & Grace in giving us redemption & taking on the wrath we deserve. But seriously, if being gracious to another person has a positive affect on them & ourselves, why don't we make more effort? I think the root of this is the same root for most of our sin - selfishness. We want what we think we deserve - to be treated fairly (who says the world works like that?), to receive the benefits of our hard work (which somehow we found ourselves with the miraculous ability to do), to have love & be loved (umm, not sure we deserve this just for being born), to not be wronged... I'm sure the list could go on.

Anyway, this is just rambling thoughts on our, especially my, limited ability to be gracious. It's been good for me to consider that even my attempts at being gracious are usually either forced because of mental reasoning (which is still better than not being gracious) or miraculous gifts from God - Him changing my heart & desires. It has caused me to see that to truly become more like Him, I cannot just try harder or reason with myself... if it's to be a natural outpouring it needs to come from God making me different than I am today. How? We should start by just asking (daily, hourly, minutely?) & being willing to yield to our own desires. It really stinks to constantly be putting my own desires & to-do's on the back burner... but that's only because I don't realize how important God's call to show His love is. Showing mercy, grace & love to others will always be a higher calling than getting done what I want to get done. This is a hard lesson, but I firmly believe it is also an eternally rewarding one.

Since we've moved, we've been going to a church here in Tigard called Colossae. We have really been enjoying getting to know new folks & have been going to a small group in our community. It's very informal & laid back. There are lots of people in & out each week, but it's been a great way to immediately feel welcome & see what God is doing here, where we are now.


The Bomars are in our community group. Chuch Bomar is the head pastor at Colossae & we've been blessed by his teaching. We've been following the Colossae podcast for a while now, but it's been neat getting to chat with Chuck a little & hearing him talk about life in general face to face. Today, our church started a new series on hearing God speak. He recently wrote a book about this topic & gave an introduction into what studying this topic should mean for us. His sermon today really spoke to me, reminding me of many things & showing me another glimpse of how God is working in my life.


Chuck shared a tid-bit about a season in his life where he really wished that Jesus was right next to him in person. He said at the time, he really felt like it would be better for Jesus to be right there. Immediately, I knew where Chuck was headed. And what do you know, 3 minutes later we are in John 14 looking at these verses...


²⁵ “These things I have spoken to you while I am still with you. ²⁶ But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you. ²⁷  Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid." 


And John 16:7 at this verse...


"But very truly I tell you, it is for your good that I am going away. Unless I go away, the Advocate will not come to you; but if I go, I will send him to you."


Jesus Himself says that it is far better for the Holy Spirit to come & dwell in us, than for Jesus to stay & walk beside us in person. I was thinking about how or why this is & was lead to a few things.


Jesus walked beside people in skin, face to face, speaking in similar ways we do to each other. Just by using His words, He could not convince people to believe. He did miracles & wonders right in front of people who continued to look for better ways to find contentment or peace. But now, with God's Spirit in us, He can change our hearts, guide our thoughts & help lead us to peace that no one can take us to with only words. Jesus (without God's Spirit), in His flesh, could not convince people of their sin or make them understand how deadly it is to continue living for self... but God's Spirit, living in us, can move & give us a heart of flesh in exchange for our hearts of stone. 


Thinking on these things, God revealed to me how wonderful it is to have Him working inside me, & not just walking along with me. Sure, Jesus in the flesh could answer my questions instantly. I could walk up & find Him with physically anytime I need. The Spirit isn't quite so easily felt, though is just as easily accessible. The Spirit though, doesn't always give immediate answers. But look here to that little phrase "he will teach you all things & bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you." 


Chuck explained to us that God's Spirit doesn't just give us answers for future events or decisions, but reminds us of what we've already been taught about how to live for God's purposes. Check out this verse in 2 Peter 1:3...


His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.


And this in Ephesians 2:10...


For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.


When times of crisis come, our natural reaction is to ask God what to do, to beg Him to just tell us what decisions to make & where to go from here. But these verses above tell us that God has plans, things He's created us to do & that His Spirit will remind us of how we are to be, how to follow God. These verses remind us that we have exactly what we need to follow God, to make good decisions to honor Him. 


One big, life-changing concept we learn early in our walks as Christians (at least in our brains, though it is a life-long process of learning to live this out), is to die to ourselves. Here are a few verses that help explain this...


"Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it." 
Matthew 10:39


"Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility, count others more significant than yourselves."
Philippians 2:3


³⁸ “You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ ³⁹ But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. ⁴⁰ And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well. ⁴¹ If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles. ⁴² Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you."
Matthew 5:38-42


All of these verses (and many more) express this idea that we should put others before ourselves, no matter what. Later in Philippians 2, Paul shows how even Jesus considered sacrificing his life for us as more important that keeping His esteemed position in Heaven with God. 


This  teaching of putting others before ourselves is just one example, one topic that the Holy Spirit can remind us of that can help us in trouble times of indecision. Serving others first, helping the poor, being wise with our money & being gentle with our children are all things we learn from the bible. These are all things God's Spirit will help us to remember in times of need, times where we can walk in the good works He has set out for us.


Chuck's encouragement today, as well as mine, is that we don't get caught up in finding out what it is we should DO in certain situations, but how we should approach living in communion with God. If we seek Him to have influence in our lives & seek to earnestly live a life of service, He will make those decisions less daunting. His Spirit brings us peace & reminds us of the best way to live. We truly can rest in this assurance, that His Spirit is always with us & that it truly is better to have His Spirit inside our hearts & minds, guiding our feelings, emotions & desires than to be living with Jesus in the flesh. 


Chuck's book comes out in a couple weeks, but we got a couple copies today. I'm excited to read more about this, seeing from Chuck's perspective the ways God works in speaking to us through His Spirit. If you want a copy, you can order online here or talk to me & I can get you a copy for cheap! I hope that as you seek to know God better, you can rest in the promise of His Holy Spirit to guide you in righteousness, reminding you of all the things God has taught you in His word. 

I've never had a problem believing that there is such a thing as absolute truth. I didn't really realize this was even a issue until I was in college. I mean, math seems to put that pretty bluntly right?? 2 + 2 = 4... that's pretty straightforward. Recently, I read the book "The God Who Is There" by Francis Schaeffer & my eyes were opened to worlds of philosophy & theology that I never realized existed! One of the main topics of discussion in the book revolved around the basis for people's worldview (he didn't say this explicitly, but this is the intention I believe). Prior to the late 1800's in Europe & the early 1900's in America, people generally believed that there was (or could be) one main truth to put their confidence in that would explain everything in life - a circle of truth. After those time periods, many philosophers began to talk about this idea as being false & encourage others to think that this was not true. Long story short, this train of thought made its way through art, music, culture & eventually to theology as well. Today, it has almost become a truth itself!

The interesting thing about this idea (an open box of thought - no one truth explaining existence & purpose) is that it creates a gap you cannot cross. Schaeffer calls it the line of despair. He believed that if you never come to believe in the one saving truth, you either die in despair, or at some point make an irrational jump over that line into believing that life has purpose & significant meaning for you. Seems crazy right? Well, many of the early artists who began running along this train of thought committed suicide out of despair for life. Intense studying of their lives will show they believed so deeply that life was meaningless, no one truth to explain their existence, that they could not bear to live either falsely believing in purpose without a reason behind it or live on in meaningless any longer. Many other artists who believed that there was no truth in life, at some point, decided themselves that their life had meaning - through good deeds, living for mother nature or creating some other theory of life that (while not deeply true in all realms) gave them enough confidence to be happy with living their lives. This was not based on truth, religion, theories or study - merely based on thoughts coming from their own mind & experience... which is dangerous. Why? There's a lot more to the earth & galaxies that exist beyond what lies in each of our minds - when we decide something is true simply because we feel it, we make our feelings to be lord over what actually exists outside of us. Tiny example - you cannot will a plant to grow or an animal to live simply because you believe or desire it to.

It is sad to me though. I think if I did not believe in one truth that explains existence, I would want to kill myself. In my mind, it does not give much hope or happiness to trust in something that is not sure, that does not benefit mankind more than just momentarily, or that does not change unfortunate circumstances that most people live in more than momentarily. How does a person believe there is not truth in the world & continue to live happily? Schaeffer believed that this question is at the heart of evangelism (in short, sharing Jesus with others). A person will not trust Jesus as their savior if they don't believe they need Him. And if they don't think one truth can explain existence, purpose & meaning, what reason do they have to need anything aside from themselves?

Schaeffer also believed that this is precisely why we need to share Jesus with others in a logical way. Not just to get people to have better lives, but because there IS a truth in life that explains everything. All of us live between two ends of a spectrum - believing something fully & rationally, or believing what our minds tell us. Even as a Christian, we are always somewhere between these two ends of the spectrum. To effectively share Jesus, we need to connect with people & get them thinking about the two ends of their spectrum. Are they living closer to what they really think is true or closer to what they just want to believe? Either way, does the way they are living rationally make sense with what they believe? Does what they believe hold up when you look at other people living around the globe? You have to think before you can believe (contrary to religious foofery - you have to at least think about something before you can trust in it). Jesus is not just some foofy idea that makes life feel better. He was a physically real person, who did real things & who can still do real things on earth.

This has been very challenging for me to think about. Yes, there is a leap of faith required to trust God's eternal plan when circumstances don't work out for us. But it's not illogical. After all, if we believe God created the world, what reason is there to doubt that He can manage it? What reason is there to doubt He can fix anything He desires? I hope that as I speak to friends who do not believe in truth, I can lovingly help them make rational sense of the way they are living - not to bring them to despair & leave, but to bring them to the real despair that exists when living apart from the grace of God. There is true despair in being separated from all goodness (which only exists in God) - if we do not tell people that truth of despair in living apart from God, we cannot lead them to the redeeming truth in Jesus paying off the debt that brings us despair. Jesus is the solution to all despair, and He is real, He is logical & He is the truth that will one day bring all the world back to order.

I hope that if you do not believe what I am writing, that you will at least consider your beliefs. Consider the implications of not believing in one central truth. Consider the consequences of living out what you really think the meaning of life (or no meaning) is. And please, ask me anything you want. I cannot promise to give you answers that are perfect, but I can certainly try my best to lead you in logical thought to better understand this world that God created & loves.

If you are really intrigued, read this book!

All my life, I have characterized myself as an idealistic person. I have grand ideas of how smoothly things in life would run, as long as it all happened in particular ways at particular times. This has really been a great hinderance! It often makes me react in terrible ways to circumstances that are beyond my control. I think in the last few years I've become a bit more grounded in reality (not considering myself a realist by any stretch of the imagination) & am beginning to see how damaging some of the ideals I hold have been in many areas of my life. Our ideals for life as a Christian can put us fitted perfectly in the shoes of the pharisees of Jesus' time. Really? REALLY?? Let me explain.


I've often heard conversations about Christians being hypocritical. And through many examples in the Gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke & John) we see how the pharisees were hypocritical in their assumptions of how Jesus should act & the way they acted. For instance read this passage in Luke 13:10-17...


¹⁰ Now he was teaching in one of the synagogues on the Sabbath. ¹¹ And behold, there was a woman who had had a disabling spirit for eighteen years. She was bent over and could not fully straighten herself. ¹² When Jesus saw her, he called her over and said to her, “Woman, you are freed from your disability.” ¹³ And he laid his hands on her, and immediately she was made straight, and she glorified God. ¹⁴ But the ruler of the synagogue, indignant because Jesus had healed on the Sabbath, said to the people, “There are six days in which work ought to be done. Come on those days and be healed, and not on the Sabbath day.” ¹⁵ Then the Lord answered him, “You hypocrites! Does not each of you on the Sabbath untie his ox or his donkey from the manger and lead it away to water it? ¹⁶ And ought not this woman,a daughter of Abraham whom Satan bound for eighteen years, be loosed from this bond on the Sabbath day?” ¹⁷ As he said these things, all his adversaries were put to shame, and all the people rejoiced at all the glorious things that were done by him.


This is just one example showing how our ideals for how religion should play out can blind us to the amazing work Jesus is doing. Were the pharisees wrong in obeying their laws? No. But they prohibited love in the name of the law. Their desire to abide by the rules was more important to them than loving a person unselfishly. 


I guess this has been popping up a lot in my life lately, especially as we've been in transition with lots of decisions. We'll also have some schooling decisions coming up next year too. I realized that I keep looking at the behaviors in my life from the outward appearance. Am I doing the right things? Not, am I following after God's heart & seeking to participate in His work.


 I've always been wary of being a hypocrite - trying not to sin in areas that I'm certain are wrong & making sure I'm not doing things that are obviously contrary to my faith. But for the first time in my life, I realized how like the Pharisees that really is. We get very concerned with having things go according to how we believe Christians should have things go, that we forget to really look at the inside. When situations don't play out the way I desire, my initial reaction is anger that my plans or my ideal circumstance did not play out. 


I encourage you to take a look at your life, your ideals & your reactions to challenging circumstances. When things don't go according to plan, do you get upset? When a family you know deals with a situation in a way that is not your typical idea of how Christians should handle things, do you assume the worst? Or even not the best? I've been challenging my ideals & discovering that they are not rooted in humility, love or compassion. And they are often the opposite of hoping in eternity. It has been so healthy for me - cleaning up the inside - or rather, it's been necessary to allow God to clean up my inside! And I'm sure you wouldn't regret the time spent on it either. It's painful, long & hard work, but it cannot be replaced by slapping on a bunch of ideals to live by. 


Hope you're encouraged with this as I have been! Let me know your thoughts :)

That's life, right? From our perspective, there are often lots of delays on our trip to the perfect life. Well, a lot of my delay in writing on here is based on my lack of discipline & fear of not being approved. Anyway, I've been having idea after idea for what to write on here lately, & I truly hope to not disappoint any faithful readers (however few they may be). It will be a great challenge for me to be consistent - the only things I'm consistent with in my life are things I HAVE to do... like feed kids, do laundry, etc. All this to say, God is working in my life & I want to share with you what He shares with me. Nothing crazily monumental, just daily stuff that helps give me peace, confidence & grows my love for Him & others. I need not be overwhelmed with the commitment, but trust that every little bit He gives me is worth passing long - even if it's not all 100% thought out or as scholarly as I would wish it to be. I hope to share amy first real post within the next few days & I hope it will be a blessing!! Wish me luck :)